It hurts so much: Please make it stop.

Written by: Regesh Executive Director, Edwin Schild, B.S., M.Sc.

In honour of Suicide Prevention Month, our director, Edwin Schild, has written an article based on a true story from one of his clients. This story serves as a way to reach out when you need it. Regesh will always be there.

The Story of a Lost Parent

The email read, “I am not a bad person, but I failed to save my sad sick Sally .. I miss her … I miss her so much … I am trying my best.. but it hurt so much.”  The parent goes on to describe the daughter as, “so much joy and too much pain.”

What do you say to a grieving parent, whose child, in a moment of desperation, either through impulse or actual decision, ends their life?  What kind of pain is this?  As my mother once said after the death of one of my brothers, “a child is meant to bury a parent, a parent is not meant to bury a child.”

How do you Define Pain?

What is pain? People deal with pain in so many different ways. Do we mean physical hurt or an emotional feeling?  Of course both are used to describe something very uncomfortable.  The Merrium Webster dictionary says pain is “usually localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder” as well as an “acute mental or emotional distress or suffering or grief.”  

Grief is defined as:

  • Deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement
  • A cause of such suffering  

Surely the author of my email was in emotional pain and grief.  Furthermore, without doubt, emotional pain often leads to physical aches and pains associated with stress.  Remember that emotional pain is real.  There’s long-term emotional pain that people suffer with for many years and then there is reactive emotional pain due to a particular event.

Being a Parent Left Behind

Tony Salvatore, a parent whose son succeeded in committing suicide, wrote a paper entitled,  Being a Parent Left Behind.  

Within the paper he writes:

“Pain comes on when loss starts boring into your soul. It gets worse as the inescapable reality of what happened sinks in. Then it becomes chronic. It still hurts, but in a different way. There are times when it still gets very bad. It’s always there. It’s something that I live with. Something that I don’t need.  Dealing with pain has nothing to do with being strong — nothing about this has made me better or stronger. It’s totally trashed me. My memories hurt, my thoughts about my son’s suffering hurt, the futility of his death hurts, seeing what it has done to my family, places that I associate with him hurt, interests that we shared hurt, seeing things he liked hurts, enjoying anything hurts, watching other men with their sons hurts, any family event hurts, holidays hurt, the anniversary of his death hurts, looking at anything that belonged to him hurts, and hearing about somebody else’s kid doing it hurts too, a lot.”

– Tony Salvatore

How to Help Loved Ones, youth & adults

To be helpful to others who are suffering with painful situations, we must first validate their feelings, have insightful listening skills and be non-judgmental.  This approach is best served by both the professional and the layperson.  

In his book entitled Survivors: Stories and Strategies to Heal the Hurt, John Preston notes that “people in emotional pain often make three primary errors”: 

  • They believe that stressful life events are “no big deal,” and if hard times do occur, the pain should go away quickly. 
  • They engage in a ruthless attack on their worth as human beings: “I shouldn’t feel this way.”  “I must be crazy.”  “There’s something wrong with me.”  
  • They compare their pain with that of other people: “It could be worse.  Others suffer more.” 

Identifying Pain

Actually, pain and hurt are difficult words to really describe because they are loaded, raw emotions.  Similar is the word “Love”. What does love mean?  For instance, I “love” fried chicken, I “love” my wife and children and when I was younger, I “loved” my pets.  How confusing is this language of ours! Thus, through the confusion, it’s important to be kind to yourself and embrace your feelings.

Embracing your Feelings

As with physical pain, if the emotional pain hurts too much, we must seek relief.  This is usually done with the help of a caring therapist. 

I often give the following example to new clients in therapy.  There is the case of a little boy who comes to the doctor with one of those terrible sore throats that he can’t even swallow.  The doctor examines the little boy and tells the parent that he has a serious infection that must be treated immediately by an injection of antibiotics.  As the doctor gives the injection, the little boy cries and now not only does his throat hurt but also his arm hurts where he got the injection. 

What’s the moral of the story?  Sometimes to feel better it might first hurt more.  That’s not to suggest that the therapist shouldn’t be gentle, but to deal with the pain one must talk about the actual issues and circumstances.  Then the pain will subside with time and care.  Sometimes crying is good therapy for pain.  Never believe someone who says “men don’t cry” or “don’t be a cry baby.”  If it hurts, do what comes naturally.

Helping Youth Relieve Pain

People try to deal with pain in many different ways. We hear the painful stories of so many who come to us seeking a resolution to their life situation or trauma they have experienced. 

They need guidance, often therapy, and a safe environment to grow through their pain, something that we have pride in giving to those who need it.

Employment Programs for Youth: Empowerment & Stress Relief

More recently, with Regesh’s new Empowering Youth: Employment Readiness Program (EYER), we hear of more youth under distress from difficulties finding or keeping a job. This has a large role in part of feeling accomplished and proud of oneself in their respectable work environment. This is where we have stepped in and helped with the Government of Canada. We’ve seen the amazing impact the Youth have made in our program and are so proud to help them kickstart their work-life with reputable businesses across the GTA. With counseling services for the participants, these youth not only matter to their parents, but to us and to their future employers.

How to Relieve Emotional Pain

Of course, there are other things you can do to relieve emotional pain. 

For example, first, move around.  Exercise is a great natural way to relieve both stress and pain. 

Next, even though there’s pain, take a break from your pain by trying to have fun.  Laughter and fun are extremely therapeutic.  If you find you can’t have fun because it hurts too much, try faking it and act silly with someone. 

Next, refocus.  Focus on someone else’s needs.  Try to help someone else.  You’ll be surprised at the effectiveness of this remedy. 

Finally, remember that anger often follows emotional pain as a secondary emotion.  Be aware of this and cut it off at the start.  If you expect it, you can prevent it, and we can help.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. One needs to trust to find relief. 

Ed Schild is the Executive Director of Regesh Family and Child Services in Toronto, Ontario Canada. He can be reached at 416-495-8832 extension 222 or eschild@regesh.com. Visit Our Team for more information on his 40 years of experience in the mental health field.

Published by regesh2019

We, at Regesh, have been providing counseling programs for children, youth, individuals and families for the past 38 years. We utilize a holistic and multi-disciplinary approach to provide a stable foundation that addresses our current & future client's needs and abilities to become more healthy and balanced.