Help children and teens to build positive, self-esteem
Low self-esteem is a thinking disorder in which an individual views him/herself as
inadequate, unlovable, and/or incompetent. Once formed, this negative view permeates every thought, feeling and action, producing faulty assumptions and ongoing self-defeating behaviour.
Our children and teens need to become better aware of their thoughts of life,
and stop negative self-talk in it’s tracks, and WE must give them the tools to
develop a healthy and powerful self-esteem to do this.
- Over 70% of girls age 15 to 17 avoid normal daily activities, such as attending school, when they feel bad about their looks.
- Teen girls that have a negative view of themselves are four times more likely to take part in activities with boys that they’ve ended up regretting later.
- 38% of boys in middle school and high school reported using protein supplements and nearly 6% admitted to experimenting with steroids.
We ourselves, as adults, know the repercussions for low self-self-esteem and intentionally work to build self-esteem in our children. Sifting through different strategies can be confusing, but my co-author, Jack Canfield has summed it up quite nicely:
“Self-worth and self-esteem comes from believing that you are capable and loveable.”
Children and teens’ self-esteem is shaped by a combination of personal experiences, family dynamics, and broader social forces.
Here are some of the main family and societal factors that affect our children’s and teen’s self-esteem:
- Family and Home Environment
Parenting style: First, and foremost, we Must learn to praise the positives and validate
positive actions and all emotions. This is much harder than most of us we think.
Consistent support, warmth, and encouragement build confidence, while harsh criticism, neglect, or unrealistic expectations can damage self-esteem.
Socioeconomic stability: Financial struggles or instability can cause stress that
undermines a child’s sense of security and self-worth.
- Family relationships: Divorce, conflict, or unhealthy dynamics can affect how children see themselves and their value. Research shows that the majority of young children from divorce families believe that they are the cause of the divorce.
- Peer Relationships
– Friendships: Being accepted and having close friends builds belonging; rejection,
bullying, or exclusion lowers self-esteem.
– Peer comparison: Kids often measure themselves against classmates’ achievements,
looks, or popularity.
– Bullying destroys positive self-esteem with long-term repercussions. - School and Education
– Academic expectations: Pressure to achieve high grades or to compete can harm self-
esteem if the child struggles. Know your child’s true potential, not just your desire.
– Teacher attitudes: Encouragement, respect, and fair treatment build confidence;
favoritism or public criticism can harm it.
– School culture: Environments that celebrate diversity and inclusion help students feel
valued. Remember, our children and teens spend more time with others (teachers) than
ourselves during the school year. - Media and Technology
– Social media: Constant comparison to curated images and “likes” can make youth feel
inadequate.
– Representation: Lack of diversity in media role models (race, gender, religion, ability) can
make some children feel invisible or “less than.”
– Cyberbullying: Online harassment has become a major threat to youth self-esteem. It
escalates poor self-esteem as the child doesn’t know where it is coming from and
visualizes “every” friend seeing it. - Community and Culture
-Neighborhood environment: Safe, supportive communities foster self-confidence; unsafe
or neglected communities can erode it.
-Cultural values: Some cultures emphasize achievement, others emphasize belonging —
the balance between these can affect how children value themselves.
– Support systems: Access to mentors, youth groups, sports, religious or cultural
organizations gives children a sense of identity and worth. - Broader Social Pressures
– Body image ideals: Unrealistic beauty standards affect self-esteem, especially during
adolescence.
– Gender roles & stereotypes: Expectations about how boys and girls “should” act can limit
confidence.
– Socioeconomic inequality: Children who feel “less” because of their family’s financial
situation may struggle with self-worth.
– Discrimination or marginalization: Racism, ableism, sexism, or other forms of exclusion
strongly affect how children and teens see their value.
✅ In short: A child’s self-esteem is built (or undermined) not only by family and personal interactions but also by the larger ecosystem of peers, schools, media, community, and cultural values.
Some secrets on how we can help our kids and teens build their self-esteem?
Taking into consideration the factors above, some effective methods to provide evidence to your children that they are loved, and that they are capable. They bring a child’s successes and support network into focus.
- The Mirror Exercise. Every night for 40 nights, teach your child and teen to build their habit
and thought patterns.
– Say your name.
– Appreciate yourself by acknowledging what you did that day out loud
– Say “I love you!” to yourself.
– Take it in by taking a deep breath. - Put two photographs in your child’s room. One of them doing something they are good at (like a sport or interest) and a second one of the family from a happy memory. It could be a vacation you had, or a birthday. Having a daily visual reminder of these two things is a nonverbal reminder for children of their accomplishments (they are capable) and happy memories (they are loveable).
- Model it for your kids. If they see and hear you criticizing yourself, or speaking negatively about yourself, they will unconsciously pick that up themselves. On the flip side, they will also pick
up on a positive outlook, as well. Why not try The Mirror Exercise together with your children and
see the results for you both!