Recently I met with a young couple who had referred themselves for assistance with improving parenting skills and enriching communication with their 9 year old son and 13 year old daughter. As part of our regular intake, I asked if this was a new, or more recent problem for them. Their replies were very informative. The father, Bob, said “communication has been a consistent problem since we got married and the problem with the children has been “almost since their births”. The mother, Sarah, agreed with her husband but added, “it’s the same as with your parents”. I immediately asked the couple what each of them thought this comment meant. Was this just a reflection of the father’s upbringing, was this “how I learned to parent” or was this the mother “blaming” the father or his parents? Initially they both said they couldn’t (didn’t want to) go into this.
After several weeks from that first intake session they felt either capable, or comfortable enough to discuss this comment in their therapy session. With further discussions, Sarah and Bob were able to demonstrate their communication difficulties. The discussion actually started of by both of them, in one way or another, “blaming” the other one for not being able to resolve differences, feeling hurt by the other’s comments and then “getting angry” with each other. As we identified each of their learned styles in problem resolution, they were finally able to agree that “this isn’t working”. Furthermore, they were able to agree that their current styles would usually add to the original problem and they would walk away more anger and with no resolution. With further sessions, they were able to verbalise that “nothing good” was coming from the way they were trying to resolve their differences. Consequently, they were likewise able to realize that they would usually use the same communication styles with the children, which in return, added to the original problems.
At this point, I have a question for our readers. I’ve pondered this genuine question for most of my 48 years in this field. The question goes like this:
Why are most parents, and teachers, quicker to see what the child (and each other) does wrong rather than what they do right?” Once they do that, they usually react to the child with disappointment and anger.
I would like the reader to take this question very seriously before actually answering it… First, do you agree with this statement? Think about it regarding yourself, friends and relatives, as well as teachers in various schools. Why do we fall into this trap?
Recently I started reading a new book that was recommended to me. The book, written from a religious perspective, is called “Angels Don’t Leave Footprints” by Dr. Abraham Twerski (2001 Shaar Press). In his introduction, Dr. Twerski notes, “In my dream I saw three people walking, and I said to my friend, “Maybe those are angels disguised as humans’. “No, my friend said. “They cannot be angels. Look! They left footprints. Angels don’t leave footprints”. Dr. Twerski writes that Angels do not really walk. What’s his point? They hover, they do not change things nor do they progress and undergo change. Footprints are features of humans. We walk and progress.
This got me thinking. It reminded me of the progress I’ve made in the almost 50 years of treatment with clients from various backgrounds. What keeps some of us from making progress in the areas that effect our lives? We are not Angels but humans who need to make progress in our lives with each year on this earth. It is when we do not recognize the problems and/or the means of changing our lives, that we lose the human qualities that allows us happiness. Without progress, we become stuck. When stuck we give up hope.
The secret to this success is positive, and genuine, self-esteem. A person’s relationships with others depends on his self-esteem or his personal relationship with himself. In fact, Dr. Twerski goes so far to say that all mental health problems originates with low self-esteem. In my experience, we have always been able to trace this fact back to the root of almost everyone’s mental health issues.
One of the areas that I have developed, and feel very strongly about, is our ability to produce “footprints”. That is, our ability, often with professional help, to make the changes in our lives to lead us down the path of true happiness.
Another question for parents (or each of us adults): If I could promise you (or your children) the following 4 things, what would it be worth to you?
1. More, and better, friendships,
2. Better, truer friends,
3. Better employment, or better school grades, than the average person,
4. Higher wages, than the average person?
Once again, take this question seriously. What would this be worth to you, for yourself or your child?
What I am about to share with you might not be the easiest to accomplish right away. However, with time and effort is certainly doable. In fact, the advice is free.
First, let me share a true story with you. Over the years I worked with many, many children (and adults) with learning disabilities (L.D.). Did you know that research has proven that L.D. children are almost always of average to above average in intelligence? However, when we think of these children, we think of difficult children in learning and behaviour. Do you know that I can get almost every one of these children, and adults, to show their true ability?
Think of yourself. What is the main things that we need to get you to perform your best? Think! Aren’t the main qualities, Encouragement, Praise and Validation? These three qualities works almost always! It is like magic: positive encouragement, praise and validation is the closest thing we can do to develop success, in spite of most handicaps!
What is this formula for all of us to perform our best, which is called self-esteem? Where do we get positive self-esteem? In as much as self-esteem is our positive self-worthiness, it must come, in the best scenario, at a very early age and onwards. Our positive self-esteem originally comes from others, often our parents, or caregivers, and later teachers and friends. They need to be the ones who validate our positive traits. This is called “validation of our positives”. At that very early age, and onwards, each of us must have this validation to feel good about ourselves to achieve those promised I noted above. Many parents themselves did not experience this and, thus, have not learned to do this well. Also, even for those parents and teachers who do take pride in providing ongoing validation to their children, many are still missing one critical component. That is, teaching our children to self-praise. We must teach our children to recognize to practice self-praise. Therefore, as an example, for the child who struggles in school and achieves even the smallest success, we must both praise them and then say, “but how do you feel about that achievement?”
Imagine each individual was born with a battery in our brain. This battery is called our self-esteem battery. This battery is being used, in one way or another, every minute of every day. To have the battery continue working well, like other batteries, it needs recharging. This is where validation comes in… both external validation and self-praise. As we all know, the older we get, usually the less external validation we get. Therefore, it’s really a must for our children to learn self-praise.
The necessity becomes even stronger when our children reach adolescence. By definition our teens are trying to discover themselves. I once heard an adolescent say to his mother, “Mom, I don’t mind being your son, but, who am I”. This is when our teens are trying to develop their own identity. However, they do this by pushing away their “external battery chargers”. Actually they tell us things like, “leave me alone, don’t tell me what to do, let me make my own mistakes”. This is when they need the skill of self-praise and validation the most. As stated earlier, “Footprints are features of humans. We walk and progress.” Let’s insure our children, and each other, are well versed in positive self-esteem as they move forward in achieving:
1. More, and better, friendships,
2. Better, truer friends,
3. Better employment, or better school grades, than the average person,
4. Higher wages, than the average person
At Regesh Family and Child Services, we join your family team to achieve these amazing goals.
Blog article written by Ed Schild, the past Executive Director and current Senior Clinical Supervisor of Regesh Family and Child Services in Toronto, Ontario Canada. Regesh has run many programs over the past 41 years in helping children, teens and families dealing with personal and family issues in their lives. To arrange a speaking engagement or consultation, contact Mr. Schild at Regesh Family and Child Services. He can be reached at 416-495-8832 extension 222 or eschild@regesh.com. Visit www.regesh.com.